Love the Things You've Left Behind
by winterhearts
Summary: Nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same. And yet here I was, dressed in black, hoping for things that would never be. Emma/Chris fic, set after "Secret".
1. Lighthouse

Love The Things You've Left Behind

Pairing: Emma/Chris

Summary: Nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same. And yet, here I was, dressed in black, hoping for things that would never be again.

**A/N: I know that Emma/Chris is an odd pairing to write a fanfic about since: a.) their relationship was never really touched on in the show and b.) there aren't that many fics about them around here. But I'm probably one of the few people who thinks that if their relationship had been developed more, they could've been a good couple, even better than Emma and Sean. So that's part of the rest why I decided to write LLTYLB…that, and because I wanted to write Emma as a Goth or some other product of punk subculture. A little out there for our blond girl, but I feel that it works. (Oh, and if I've messed up on how Goths are supposed to dress/act, I'm sorry. I only really know about punk and emo culture.) And there will be some Emma/Alex friendship, because Alex is a badass. If you don't like Alex, then don't read this, because she will show up a lot. **

**Long story short, this is how my fic came to be. It's my first Degrassi fic, so I'm very excited about what everyone will think of it. I've been a long-time reader of Degrassi stories, and it feels good to finally be a part of the fic side of the fandom. Look out for more fics from me in the future, 'cause I'll definitely do more stuff for Degrassi. So enjoy the story, and please review! Reviews are love. 3**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. If I did, the show would be a whole lot better now. I also don't own this chapter title. It (and the song lyrics I used) belong to the badass indie band Interpol.**

Chapter 1: Lighthouse

_Here I've been living and losing from sin_

_I pulled it out now, begin, begin_

_Here I've been living and losing within_

_Inwardly urgent and sinking again_

I, Emma Nelson, believe in ghosts.

Not the ones you're thinking of. Not peevish, chain-rattling poltergeists or haunted, transparent apparitions or even the white-sheet ghosts from old Scooby Doo cartoons. My ghosts are a different kind, the kind that snipe and bitch at me every night, constantly reminding me of my failures. With Rick. With Toby. With my mom and Snake, causing them to argue right before their wedding. Even with Manny, and all the things I criticized her for—her taste in music, guys, and even her clothes, no matter how slutty/revealing they really were.

I go off like I don't give a shit about me playing a part in Rick's death, about my friendship with Manny being destroyed, and especially about that incident at the ravine with Jay. But the truth is that I can't let go of these issues. If those ghosts from my past aren't enough, the students of Degrassi are always talking about the latest gossip. They know that I almost got shot. They know that I now hate my best friend since kindergarten. But they know me best as "gonorrhea girl", willing to fuck bad boy Jay Hogart in the back of an ancient, seventies-era van just to get some stupid bracelets. And I hate to admit it, but they're right. I did willingly get into the van with Jay. I did have oral sex with him. And I did do it for the bracelets, at first. But I soon continued because I loved the freeing feeling I got at the ravine, where I didn't have to be haunted by the school shooting or any of my other problems. I just wished I'd thought a little before going down to the most—ahem—active spot near Degrassi Street. Then maybe I wouldn't be where I am today, with the student body of Degrassi Community School either snickering about me, hating me, avoiding me, or not caring about me. Honestly, I'd rather be known as the "cause girl" than go through this shit. But you can't erase the past, so I'm stuck with this.

Instead of locking myself in my room and crying every night, however, I decided to take action. If my classmates thought of me as the new school slut, fine. If Manny wasn't speaking to me anymore, whatever, I didn't need them anyway. So I isolated myself from anyone who came in contact with me, sending them a dirty glare or a rude comment if they dared speak to me. Eventually people got the message and started whispering about me when I wasn't in sight. Still, that wasn't enough for me. I had to wash away all traces of the old Emma Nelson, the girl everyone thought they knew. The transformation included finally getting rid of some of the stuff Manny gave me, cutting my hair and dyeing it dark brown with purple streaks, a lot of black clothing, and even a lip, eyebrow, and nose piercing. My mom and Snake nearly bust an artery when they found out what I'd done, but Jack said my hair looked pretty, so I felt good. I was finally breaking away from being the goody-goody cause girl who asks people to sign petitions for genetically modified foods, but I was also showing that I wasn't some sleazy slut who'd suck a guy's dick just a get a prize. It was kind of like what Ashley did when she went Goth two years ago: she was proving to the world that she wasn't just some brown-nosing, perfect preppie.

But I didn't go Goth just to prove something. I did it because I needed a change. I needed to free myself of the image that came with all this emotional baggage. If I didn't have my fair, platinum blond hair, the memories of Jay stroking it as we messed around wouldn't be quite so clear. If my eyes weren't wide and scared, they wouldn't be mirroring how I looked when Rick nearly shot me. Point is that turning to the dark side has helped to erase some of these memories. Almost. Like I said, the ghosts keep haunting me and giving me hell for my deeds. I want to let things go, but they won't let me. So I have all these things tying me down, stuff I can't apologize for or take back. But it's not like anyone apologized to me for laughing at my petitions or intentionally bumping me in the hallways. Those bitches don't deserve shit from me.

I was thinking that last sentence in the courtyard, as I watched the true school sluts—I mean, Degrassi's Spirit Squad, which Manny of course is a member of—practice their latest routine on the school line. The blurs of dark blue and gold gyrating and flipping in the air annoyed me, because they reminded me of the first thing that took Manny away. The first major fight we'd ever had, back in seventh grade.

**(note: I don't have the transcript from "Wannabe", when Manny tries out for the cheerleading squad, so all the dialogue in this flashback belongs to me)**

_My heart sank when Manny flashed the lemon yellow flier in my face. 'Try out for Degrassi's newly formed Spirit Squad TODAY!' it spelled out across the front, in bold, block print. Manny, my best friend in the whole world, was thinking about trying out? How could she? She knows how I feel about cheerleading. I sighed. This is all Paige Michalchuk's fault for forming that stupid squad in the first place. Why did she think Degrassi needed one?_

"_Come on, Emma. If I'm gonna try out and show those upperclassmen what I'm made of, then I need your support. You're like my best friend. Please?" Manny, ironically now, looked so innocent then, with her dark brown eyes the size of saucers and her small hands clasped together, her pink lips downturned in a pout._

_I wasn't giving in, though. "Manny, no way. I can't support a sexist activity that supports girls jumping around in short skirts and cheering for a bunch of sweaty guys."_

"_Hey! That's not all what cheerleading is about!" Manny snapped, narrowing her eyes at me._

_I snorted. "Oh, please, Manny. There's nothing modest or rewarding about cheerleading. I can't let you do this. Nobody will take you seriously."_

"_I'm a first-year junior high student! Of_ course _nobody takes me seriously!" Her voice was more high-pitched now, a sure sign that she was pissed. I'd been around her long enough to know all the little quirks and nods to her various moods. _

"_You know what I mean." I didn't want to fight with Manny. Not now, at lunchtime, where people could hear us. And not ever. Why couldn't she listen to me._

"_I'm trying out for the squad, Emma. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. You're not my mom." Manny sneered at me and walked away, giving me a little shove as she moved out of the cafeteria._

_She didn't know it then, but that was the first time that Manuella Santos really hurt my heart._

Now we were in tenth grade, and it had been a year since we'd stopped speaking to each other on a regular basis. The whole abortion thing last year was the catalyst for all the drama (and yet another example of how Manny never listens to me), but the gonorrhea incident clinched everything. She basically told all of drama club that I had gonorrhea, which not only prevented me from being in Dracula but ruined my reputation with everyone. So later on, I called Manny on her cell phone and left her a message, cursing her out and asking how she could've humiliated me like that, when I never did the same to her while she was pregnant. The next day, Manny walked up to my locker, looked me in the eye, and said, "We're _done,_ Nelson."

After that, she was out of my life for good. And I can't say that I'm sad for that, even though Mom wishes we could've worked out our issues better and remained friends. But she's probably only saying this so she can have an excuse to talk to Mrs. Santos. They've become friends just as their daughters floated out of each other's lives.

I was about to light up a cigarette when Paige, of all people, saw me. I rolled my eyes, not feeling up to doing battle with Degrassi's queen bee today. I just wanted to have a smoke and be done with it. I mean, I don't really smoke, but I do light up every once in a while to relieve stress. And as you could probably guess, I was very stressed right now.

"Paige, what the _fuck_ do you want?" I grumbled.

"Sorry to interrupt you parade of misery, hun, but you can't smoke that on school grounds. Go hang out with your greaser monkey boyfriend if you want to light up," she told me, narrowing her gray eyes. I inwardly laughed. Like I'm going to get frightened by a glare from Paige Michalchuk, the same girl who wrecked Spinner Mason's car and had sex way before my adventure in the ravine.

"Fuck off, Paige. Jay isn't my boyfriend and you can't tell me what to do," I snapped, blowing some smoke into the blond bitch's face. She wrinkled her huge nose, coughed, and jumped about three feet away from me.

"Watch it, Nelson. I have mild asthma!" she said in between coughs.

I rolled my eyes. "Then you should've taken your inhaler before practice, _hun_. Now kindly fuck off, please." I made my voice sickly sweet to match her earlier tone with me.

Paige let her mouth hang open for two seconds before shaking her head and returning to her squad members. I grinned, casually stroking my lip ring. The mighty Michalchuk, put in her place once again. It felt great to burn Paige, even if it was only a mild one. After Paige was completely out of sight, I ducked into the bushes and took a drag of my cigarette, watching the wispy smoke evaporate into the cloudless, blue sky. What most people don't get about smoking is the beauty of it. Watching the smoke rise in the air, all wispy and ghostlike, is actually ascetically pleasing. But I guess non-smokers like Paige wouldn't understand that.

A few minutes ticked by, and I put out my cigarette when I figured I'd sent up enough smoke to fuck with the ozone layer for about twenty-four hours. I can practically hear old Emma Nelson complaining about the air pollution my cigarette was causing, not to mention the damage it could do to my lungs. What did she know? At least I wasn't lighting up every day like my aunt Susan used to do before she died of lung cancer. I shook old Emma out of my head as I walked to a nearby trash can, tossing my crushed joint before anyone could figure out I'd been smoking it. The last thing I need right now is to get into more shit with my parents because I was suspended for drug use. Not that I actually care about sticking around for school, but nobody needs another reason to talk about me. I'm sick of that bullshit, especially since every single word said about me is true.

The bell rang, signaling the end of another day of school and a reprieve from the hellhole that tenth grade was proving to be. I adjusted my black fingerless gloves and laid low as everyone else emerged from the school building, talking and laughing about whatever dumb shit was going on in their lives. I just popped in my MP3 earphones, turning up the sound on my Black Flag CD. They're hardcore punk, for those of you who aren't musically aware, and one of the most kick-ass bands ever, even though they've been broken up for years now. I sank lower in my hiding place as loud drumbeats and non-conformist lyrics filled my ears, acting as a sedative to everything else around me. You could always count on music to help you through tough shit.

"Yo, Emma." A few tendrils of hair even darker than mine hit me in the cheek, and I found myself face-to-face with Alex Nuñez. We're not exactly friends, but she surprisingly doesn't hate me after what I did with Jay. I haven't asked her why, but she's claimed that "it's all water under the bridge, though I'll always hate that skank Amy." We hang out occasionally during and after school, sometimes even skipping to go take a smoke at the park. Alex is really cool, despite what a lot of people say.

"Nunez. Actually decided to go to class today?" I teased, turning down the volume on my music.

Alex snorted. "_I'm_ not the one smoking on school grounds. Saw your exchange with Michalchuk just now. Classic. That girl's got a pole up her ass a mile wide."

I smirked, my lip ring glinting in the sun as the corners of my mouth curved upward. "Funny."

Alex glanced down at her watch, frowning. "Shit. I gotta get to the cinema for work…with _Michalchuk_. _Shit_. Talk to you later." She lightly punched my shoulder and ran up to Towerz, a tall black guy, so she could catch a ride to work. She's had to bum rides from Towerz since she and Jay broke up, I can't drive, and it'll take until the summer for her to save up enough money to get her own car. But Alex manages to survive, 'cause she's Alex. I wish I was half as tough as she was. I mean, she lives with a mom who puts up with an abusive boyfriend. You've gotta be strong in order to deal with that, and I can't even deal with people ripping on me for having oral sex with a guy.

I stuffed my MP3 into my jacket pocket as I walked home from school alone, as usual. Before all this shit went down, I used to have someone to walk with. Not just Manny, but JT Yorke and Toby Isaacs, too, though the latter only walked with me because he had a massive crush on me and wanted to spend time with me. That crush faded after the ravine and disappeared completely when I entered the Goth subculture. Now he's going out with Kendra, Spinner's adopted sister, and I'm stuck with nobody, not even a boyfriend. Sean's in Wasaga and even if he stayed, he'd still be with Ellie. I saw the way he always looked at her, like he was really in love with her. Ellie really seemed to get Sean in a way that I, whose only personal drama was having my birth father out of my life, could never understand. He really loved Ellie and I could tell that leaving her would be the hardest part of leaving Degrassi. I knew he'd miss me, too, but I was a friend and nothing more. He didn't love me. Maybe he never loved me the entire time we were going out.

Fuck. Maybe Sean could've helped me. Maybe he could've saved me from throwing my life away and catapulting myself deeper into depression. Maybe if he wasn't with Ellie he could say that even though Manny turned away, he'd always love me. _Maybe, maybe, maybe._ All I had was _maybe_, never _yes_ or _no_. Never something sure or same or routine. Nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same. And yet here I was, dressed in black, hoping for things that would never be again.

I clutched my stomach, holding my dark locks back as I retched in the bushes near somebody's driveway, my body shaking as tears fell down my face and streaked my black mascara. My aunt Susan, as quirky as she was while she was alive, was right about one thing: you didn't have to be a sinner to go to hell. All of us were already living in it.

_What do the waves have to say now?  
What do the waves have to say now?_

_Slow now_

_And let the waves have their way now  
Slow, and let the waves have their day_

**Hope you guys liked it! I know Emma was very OOC but her OOC-ness is yet another thing that's beneficial to the story. Chris and Emma won't get together for a while, but don't worry, I won't wait long to put him into the story. As for whether Emma and Manny will be friends again, I'm not sure about that, because Emma's going to go through some friend drama with Alex first. But who knows? I may surprise you. But you'll have to review to find out! ;)**


	2. If It Works

Love The Things You've Left Behind

Pairing: Emma/Chris, with Emma/Alex friendship

Summary: Nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same. And yet, here I was, dressed in black, hoping for things that would never be again.

**A/N: I only got one review last chap but one is better than none at all, am I right? Seriously, though, thank you Christopher, for your review. I will definitely have some Emma/Manny scenes coming up, but their reunion will take a while too. It's really tough for me to not have the two of them as friends, because they make a great pair. But forget what I said last chap; they'll definitely be friends again, but not without some drama first. This is Degrassi, after all. ;) And this chap is a bit longer than chap 1 'cause I was having too much fun with it. :D**

**Chris will have an appearance in chapter 3, in a flashback, so stay tuned and keep reviewing! The action will move a little slow for now, so sorry for that, but I don't want to rush anything…not even Emma and Manny's friendship.**

**Note: Some of the events from season 4 and 5 have been altered (an example being that the Kevin Smith film never happened) but a lot of things happenng in this story will be totally out of canon. The Manny video will still happen, though I'll decide when that happens. It might still happen when school starts again, but I doubt it, since these next chapters are leading into summer. I'll let you know what the final decision will be on the timeline of events, though. And I also want to say that there will be Cranny in this story, since I like that pairing, so CrAsh and Crellie lovers, read with caution.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Degrassi. Also don't own this chapter title and lyrics. They belong to Tokyo Police Club. **

Chapter 2—If It Works

_We get our nerves of steel  
When the balaclavas go on  
We're just not used to ourselves  
If it pays then it sells our hides_

If school is shit, home is better, but not by much. My home life has been routine since the shooting: come home, watch Jack for a few hours, help Mom make dinner, talk to Manny on the phone, avoid talking to Mom and Snake, and go to bed. Of course, I don't talk to Manny anymore, but whatever. That's how the schedule's been up until the ravine incident. After that, you'd think my parents would be strict, right? But they haven't. Actually, they've been avoiding me. I overheard Ms. Sauve telling them that the best thing to do while I was going through this was to just give me my space. Really, Ms. Sauve? After nearly being shot and getting ridiculed for giving Jay Hogart blow jobs, you think the best thing for my parents to do is pretend I don't exist? Yeah, that's great advice.

The funny thing is that I actually feel like reaching out to my parents at times. They've been through the same if not worse drama during their years at Degrassi back in the 80s. But can they really help me out? They were shocked when they found out about the ravine incident and I doubt they want to hear abut how it's fucked up their life. Mom can't imagine her sweet little Emma doing something so horrible and Snake…well, he may be a teacher but that doesn't mean he can handle every little teenage problem. He really can't stop the student body of Degrassi from hating my guts, especially Manny. No teacher, not even our new principal, Ms. Hatzilakos, has power over my ex-best friend's actions. Not like Manny could be forced to apologize to me, anyway. That girl can really hold a grudge.

Only Jack greeted me the next day after I'd placed my bookbag next to the stairs. After all of this bullshit and confusion, even after I'd changed my hair and gotten piercings, that little guy still loves me. Even though he's only three, it's just good to know that somebody besides Alex doesn't think I'm all bad. In fact, he recently called me "the bestest big sister ever". Hear that, Manny? Paige? A three-year-old thinks I'm the shit and you guys won't even look my way. I mean, I'm not and never was friends with Paige, but like I said before, it feels good to put that bitch in her place.

"Hey, Jack." I picked up Jack, spun him around, and smirked as he gave me a slobbery kiss on the cheek. God, I love that kid, even if he was the reason Snake and Mom nearly stopped their wedding. I watched him quickly pull away before ruffling his feathery hair, a light auburn color. Just like his dad, with his mother's hazel eyes.

Meanwhile, even with my natural hair color, Mom said I always looked more like Shane's kid. She dyed her hair blond once so people would see that mother-daughter resemblance that a lot of moms and their daughters had, but they always saw through the façade. I'd never look like my mother, not at three or thirteen or maybe even twenty. Maybe that's a reason why we've been slightly distant over the years, or maybe not, but I know that it makes her resentful to have me resemble a father who's never been in my life, as opposed to a mother who's been present since day one. But it's not Shane's fault he's in a hospital instead of at the Simpson residence. Okay, it is, but whatever. I'm not upset, though. After seeing him and talking to him all those years ago, with Craig at my side, I feel better. Like I've had some closure, or could at least honestly say that I'd seen my birth father before. We haven't been in touch like we said we would, but does it really matter? I'm just glad I saw him once. Mom's father died soon after she was born.

"Jack Simpson-Nelson, you get back here! That shirt is dirty!" Mom's voice carries throughout the entire house whenever she's giving Jack or me a scolding. I inwardly curse, dropping Jack, whose shirt has an applesauce stain in the shape of a triangle. Mom must've talked to Snake earlier, and who knows if Paige told him about me smoking outside yesterday? I have a feeling I'm going to be in some serious shit after Mom's finished with Jack.

"Jack, did you hear what I just—" Mom stopped in her tracks when she saw me standing next to my brother, who suddenly decided to hide behind my V-necked black top. She frowned at me, looking as if she was trying to place me. Was I really Spike's daughter underneath the brunette hair, piercings, and black mascara? Did I have to wear a name tag showing that yes, I am the real Emma Nelson? I wanted to look different, not have people think I was an entirely different person. I wondered if that's what people at school thought, and that's why they ignored me. Maybe they just didn't know who this other Emma Nelson was.

Fat fucking chance. I could change my look all I want, but they'd know my voice anywhere. I can only cover up so much.

"Oh, Emma. Hey," she said, her voice about a few decibels close to a whisper. She looked down at Jack, easily scooping him up into her toned arms. Has she been working out? If Mom has been going to the gym, I'm not sure. I don't really know where my parents are anymore when they're not at the hair salon or at school. It's almost like they're sneaking away from me, like I did to them.

…Hey. If this is some form of karmic payback or whatever, it's not funny. I've already had Manny leave me, my birth father leave me, Sean leave me—

"I'll just take him off your hands, Em. Mister Jack needs to get a nice clean shirt!" Mom turned on that god-awful baby voice that she used a lot when Jack was teething, but he seemed to love it. I heard a stream of giggles as Mom and Jack made their way upstairs, without even a second glance at me.

"_Fuck,_" I muttered when they were both out of sight and earshot. She did it to me again, before I could even cough out a hello, or bitch about how I once again had a shitty day at school. But Mom, the headstrong woman in the family, is instead a speeding bullet, making her way to safety before the train wreck that is me can catch up with her. I frowned, my fingers twitching, a sure sign that I need to go outside and take a smoke break. I don't know how I put up with all this, at school and at home. Sometimes I don't know why I haven't disappeared into oblivion or hell or wherever all the bad girls go when the world doesn't want them anymore. I wonder if I'll ever know.

—I can't have my parents leave, too. But I guess it's too late for that. All three of them have already vanished, just like ghosts; only these ones never stick around when I want them to.

Ah, another day at Degrassi.

No, wait, scratch that. Ah, another day in purgatory.

Yes. That's _much_ better.

Degrassi isn't really known for its Goth scene, so ever day, every damn day, people stare at me like I'm the school's freak show. Even Hatzilakos wasn't sure if I was a student or some solicitor trying to sell crystal meth at first. She didn't use those exact words, but I know what she meant. Is that Archie Simpson's stepdaughter? I heard her asking that after I hugged him at the end of Media Immersions class last week. The answer is yes: that's Archie Simpson's stepdaughter. If you were expecting a slightly update girl who aspires to work for Greenpeace one day, go get a time machine. The real Emma is ready and waiting to greet you.

Since Alex is in the grade above me, I barely see her except for before and after school, and in Health class. We first started bonding after Alex muttered on how Jay a jerk was for making comments about a drawing of the female reproductive system inside the chapter we were studying. I readily agreed to her statement, and now, we've got a strange type of friendship thing going on? Who knew that I'd be friends with Alex Nuñez, the same girl I fought in grade 9 while I was still dealing with Snake's cancer? I guess the same person who knew I'd be mortal enemies with Manny.

Said mortal enemy was hanging out with Craig on the school steps before school started. His face was twisted up in anger, his fists balled up, and I wondered if Manny had said something to make him upset. Craig and I are somewhat close since I baby-sit his sister Angie, so it would be bad if Manny hurt him again like she did when she got the abortion. I'm not saying Craig isn't in the wrong, either, but I just don't want Manny hurting him, okay? She's hurt enough people already.

"I just can't believe she'd do this to me," Craig muttered while Manny rubbed his back.

She? Oh. I guess I don't have a strike against Manny Santos this time. Still, I couldn't break away from the conversation. If something was up with Craig, I wanted to know. Obviously it was something big if he wasn't telling me.

"It's just one summer, Craig. She'll be back," Manny assured him.

"That's not it, Manny. Ashley said she wanted to get away. From me. Every since I found out I was bipolar, I've just been Crazy Craig to her. Face it, Manny. Our relationship is not going to be the same." Craig turned away, biting down on his lip. I winced when a faint trickle of blood appeared where the bite marks had been.

"Craig…You're not crazy. You can get better. You can." Manny pursed her lips together, putting a determined look on her face. She gave Craig's arm a supportive squeeze and smiled at him, acting like the caring, always there girlfriend she never really got a chance to be. But that's more than I can say for her as a friend. After the shooting, she tired to be there for me, but our strained friendship made things hard. She spent most of her time comforting Toby, Rick's only friend, and the time after that hanging out with him, JT, and Paige, her new BFF. All I have to say to that last one is please. Paige will never be the supportive, loyal, voice-of-reason friend that I was to Manny.

Not that I care. 'Cause I don't. Manny can spend all her days cavorting around Pretty Pretty with miss Super Bitch Canadian Valley Girl for all I care.

"I hope so, Manny. But I just wish that she could be there for me instead of running away. Is flying off to England really going to fix things?" Craig asked, tears trickling down his cheeks.

Manny lifted her head from Craig's shoulder, looking me in the eye. "Maybe it won't, Craig. But you never know. Sometimes when you love someone a lot, you have to give them space, even when they don't want it."

Shit. Does she realize how much those words hit me, or how backwards the meaning was. I have always been there for Manny, throughout her days of pursuing Craig, through the pregnancy…after that, she was the one who slipped away, right when I fucking _needed _her. Do you think I didn't want someone to hold my hand when Snake's hair fell off from chemo? Do you think I was okay with the way I treated Rick and how that'll haunt me for the rest of my life? Does she realize that I pushed her away when the truth was that I wanted her to hold on to me?

But things are different now. I have Alex. I have myself. I don't need her anymore. I really don't, no matter how much I wish for the days of our past when she was more than a face in the crowd.

"What's eating you, Nelson?" _Alex._ What was she doing in Media Immerson class?

I looked up from my computer screen, which I'd been blankly staring at for the past fifteen minutes. I'd already finished today's assignment at home (one of the perks of having your teacher for a parent: you get to know assignments ahead of time), so I was just sitting there, thinking, mostly about the Manny/Craig scene I'd witnessed earlier. Since when was she so chummy with him again anyway? Last time I heard her speak of him was when she got pregnant, and she wasn't that thrilled at the time. And I don't care how depressed he is; where the hell does she get off touching him and acting like she's his fucking girlfriend? It's like she'll stop at nothing to get Craig away from Ashley. I wouldn't be surprised if Manny herself was the one who convinced Ashley to stay with her dad in England.

"Nelson. Earth to Nelson. Are you high or just not hearing me? What the fuck is up with you?" It was her typical abrasive tone, yet the softness of her eyes revealed more than just indignation. When I continued to express no further comment, she rolled her eyes heavenward and plopped into the seat next to mine.

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered, focusing my gaze on the spot above Alex's protruding shoulder blades. Shit, that girl's almost as skinny as I am, and she barely does any physical activity, unless fumbling around in your khaki pockets for a Zippo lighter counts as physical activity. But I guess she's not a couch potato, either, not like her mom can really afford to buy her fast food and chips every week. I wonder if—

"Damn it, Emma, how many times do I have to call your name?" The impatient look was back again. She was clearly uncomfortable being in a room full of grade tens, most of which she'd threatened to stuff into lockers before the year was over. Alex cross her arms and blew a stray hair out of her face. "I'm skipping lunch, the only period other than gym that I actually look forward to, so you better tell me what I have to hear. Okay?" All I could do was nod sadly at Alex. She had no idea how much I wanted to just leave and have lunch, too.

"Sure, whatever," I mumbled, my voice growing quiet to the point where it was nearly aphonic.

Alex lowered her gaze, visibly hurt by my soft reply. "You're just not yourself today. You barely made any sniping comments to me, and I haven't seen you smoke since school began. Is something serious going on? Should I get Ms. Sauve?" I wanted to laugh. Alex is the last person who would go to Ms. Sauve about _anything_, including her deadbeat ex-boyfriend. So it's oddly ironic that she'd suggest the school counselor to help me out. Why would she, though? Does Alex know something's wrong with me? Is the façade fading sooner than I thought it would? Shit, I hope not. Putting up a front to cover up my true feelings is the only thing that gets me through the day.

I wrinkled my nose, nearly causing the stud near my right nostril to pop out. "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't need to see a counselor, Alex. I've just been having a shitty day. It happens." I flashed her a look, the one that says Please_ understand._ Nothing_ is wrong with me_. Hopefully she'll be able to decode the urgency reflected in my hazel eyes.

"You've been having a lot of shitty days, haven't you?" Alex tilted her head towards me, and I'm reminded of why she pisses me off sometimes: she's got a smart mouth bigger than anyone. It's a wonder she hasn't been suspended yet, for all her years of eye-rolling and backtalk.

I answered Alex so she wouldn't go off on me being a space case again. I may be a natural blond, but I'm definitely no ditz, something that a lot of people don't seem to understand about me. "God, I don't even know anymore. The shooting fucked up a lot of people's lives, didn't it?"

Alex stiffened. I'd forgotten that she helped Jay and his friends with their plan to torture Rick. I couldn't get angry with her for that, though I wanted to. If the shooting hadn't happened, I wouldn't have needed an escape, and then I wouldn't have seen Jay at the ravine, which wouldn't have destroyed my friendship with Manny…

"Is this _really_ about the shooting?" I took a second to analyze Alex's words, the syllables registering in my brain one by one. Was I feeling this way about just the shooting, or was it Manny? So many things have been bothering me lately that it's hard to tell exactly what's torturing my soul on any given day.

I touched my lip ring, feeling frigid, durable metal under my fingernails. Then I sighed, and told Alex about seeing Manny today. How it made me pissed to see her running to Craig like the pathetic piece of shit she was. How the way she was with Craig should have been the way she was towards me after the shooting. How her last words were like AK-47 rifle blasts to my chest. And all this time, Alex actually listened raptly, to the point where I felt her gaze locked on my lips every time I made a sound. It was actually pretty creepy, and I'd ask if she was checking me out if there was the chance that Alex would kill me for even implying that she was a lesbian.

"Jealous that she's checking Craig out, huh?" she joked, trying to alleviate the mood. I flipped her off and turned my back to her. If I was going to pour out all of the crap that's been bothering me, the least she could do is actually be serious about her advice.

"God, I was just joking," Alex muttered, and I reluctantly turned back around again. "You want to know what I think, seriously? You're jealous of Craig, because Manny's apparently his support system. You want somebody to do that for you, too, don't you?"

Oh. She'd said _somebody_, not Manny. Thank God. I wouldn't know what to do if Alex had suggested I patch things up with Manny again. Not like _Alex_ would suggest that. She hasn't been Manny's biggest fan ever since her thong-wearing niner days, and maybe even before that.

After that little sigh of relief, I thought back to what Alex had said. I'd tried to carry myself independently for so long, even when I was going out with Sean, because I was an ultra-feminist who didn't believe a woman should lean onto a man for any kind of support. Like my mom. Before Snake, she could take care of herself, so why couldn't I? Now I wasn't so sure. My walls of defense were looking shaky, though I really tried to keep up my cold front at all times. Did I actually need to be saved? Were things that bad that I couldn't hold my own ground now? No way. I surely wasn't that helpless.

I shrugged my shoulders, sinking deeper and deeper into my seat. Old Emma's bitching about poor posture now. Or maybe that was my mom's voice talking. Either way, I don't give a fuck.

"I'm just sick of all this," was my eloquent reply.

"What do you mean by 'all this'?" Eyebrow raise on Alex's part, eye roll on mine. God, do I have to explain everything to her? It's like she's turning into Ms. Sauve with the way she's prying into my life, asking all sorts of questions. Who replaced the tough, confident Alex with Dr. Nuñez?

I opened my mouth, but that just caused all my words to fly out. Every thought, every curse, every sigh and worry had completely left my mind, causing me to draw a huge blank. What could I say? I didn't even know why I still bothered to look Manny's way after we'd both declared that we hated each others guts. Was it some sick sort of masochism or something else? I hated it when I had more questions than answers, but that was the spot I was in now. It was beginning to get harder and harder to figure out my own life, or what was left of it, anyway. Half of my young adult years are buried under the same pile as the old Degrassi and the old versions of my parents, Manny, and even Alex. Every piece of the familiarity of my past was gone now, just trash waiting to disappear completely from my memory banks. Wouldn't be too long before I was also a memory, before Mom and Snake forget they have a daughter and Alex has no recollection of me being her acquaintance and occasional smoke buddy.

I buried my head into Alex's neck, not caring how gay or embarrassing it looked. Liquid drops trickled down my face, cold and salty, but they might as well be watery flames burning my skin. I dug my fingers into my palm, automatically wincing at the sharpness of my nails but not feeling any pain. "It just hurts, Alex. It hurts so bad."

She looked up at me, her face a mixture of pity and serenity. Again, a strange expression for Alex, but I didn't care this time. I was just glad that she'd listened to my words. And this time, I felt like she actually understood what I was trying to tell her.

_Send Tokyo Police Club Ringtones to your Cell_

_The factory has treated you well  
The coals burn colder  
But in a part of the heart of the hearth  
It still swells_

**So that's chapter 2! How did you like it? Sorry if Alex seems OOC too, but I want to show that she can be a good friend and not just a smart-mouthed tough girl. But it's still fun to write her, no matter what the situation. **

**I just want to say, poor Emma. She's so torn between asking for help and trying to take care of herself. What is she going to do? I'd like to say she feels better when Chris comes along, but that's far from the truth. If anything, she starts to slip deeper and deeper, so be prepared for some heavy angst coming up. **

**Chapter 3 should be ready either by this weekend or next week. Yup, you may get two chapters in one week! But only if you review. I think Chris and Em would both appreciate it. ;)**


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